I recommend saving the big punishments — timeouts, no TV, etc. — for the big crimes. That way they have more impact. Sometimes, a preschooler just needs a hug and a minute to breathe.
James Charles Roberson is a charmer.
The 3-year-old Dallas, Texas, native loves to draw pictures of bugs, play with toy trucks and dote on his baby sister, Audrey.
But he is human, and that means he tests his parents with disobedience every now and then. When this happens, Takisha and Jason Roberson calmly tell him they don’t approve of his behavior and issue a warning. If he disobeys again, he has to take a timeout.
“It’s a challenge sometimes because he fights going into timeout, but we’re persistent,” Takisha Roberson said of her son. “He understands that we’re not playing with him, and he has to sit down and ‘do his time.’ ”
The Robersons, like all parents, have had to find personal and effective ways to teach a child right from wrong. This is particularly important when the child is between the ages of 2 and 5. That’s when personalities and habits, such as impulse control, start to evolve.
Disciplining techniques
When kids start to show aggressive behavior, parents must try to understand why the child is misbehaving. However, parents must establish a disciplinary routine so the child understands he has done something wrong.
The Robersons took a cue from Jo “Supernanny” Frost and tailored their punishments to James Charles to match his age. Because he is 3, his timeouts last 3 minutes.
“When the timeout is complete, we remind him of what he did to get there,” Takisha Roberson says. “He has to apologize sincerely, and he gets a hug if that happens. We don’t want him to get the message that he’ll be unloved if he misbehaves.”
If the Robersons’ style of discipline sounds wrong for you and your child, that’s fine. The most important thing is that the child learns and grows from mistakes. The same goes for Mom and Dad.
“The first step is for parents to take a deep breath,” says Allison Kawa, a child psychologist and autism specialist based in Los Angeles. “Children who are worked up and upset need their parents to hold it together and remain calm.
“Parents must experiment to find a punishment that is aversive enough to have an impact without being too strong.”
Kawa says timeouts and the loss of privileges do work.
“I recommend saving the big punishments — timeouts, no TV, etc. — for the big crimes,” she said. “That way they have more impact. Sometimes, a preschooler just needs a hug and a minute to breathe.”
Karen J. Abraham, a mother and teacher from New Jersey, subscribes to the Attachment Parenting International approach. It relies heavily on gentle parenting techniques steeped in communication and redirection.
“I have very bad memories of how timeouts made me feel as a child – feeling like no one cared to hear my side of things,” said Abraham, whose son Silas turns 2 in July. “This is not conducive to getting the kid to manage his feelings in a more socially acceptable way.”
Meanwhile, Craig Morgan, a sports journalist based in Gilbert, Arizona, and his wife combine redirection and timeouts to discipline their daughters Erin, 6, and Carling, 4.
“We usually ask our girls what they did wrong, why it was wrong, and then have them explain how they should have handled the situation,” Morgan said.
Morgan said he and his wife don’t believe in spanking, but they do believe in being firm. “There is too much soft parenting going on and too much coddling as we raise a generation of kids without adequate discipline,” he said.
The Real Problem
Aggressive behavior in young children almost always indicates a bigger problem. Many little ones aren’t able to verbally express what’s wrong, so they act out.
“Sometimes it’s because the child needs a little extra attention,” Takisha Roberson said. “Kids can get frustrated and feel shortchanged when a new sibling is born or a parent is away for work, for example.”
Benjamin Garber is a licensed psychologist in New Hampshire and the author of several books, including “Keeping Kids Out of the Middle: Child-Centered Parenting in the Midst of Conflict, Separation and Divorce.” He said parents have to pay attention to get to the bottom of noncompliance from their kids.
“Our job as healthy parents is to read our children’s nonverbal and early verbal cues,” said Garber, a happily married father of two and host of the website healthyparent.com. “We need to respond calmly and consistently, and teach them that their strong emotions are manageable simply by tolerating them ourselves.”
Kawa adds that disobedience is normal, but excessive disobedience could be an indication of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. If you suspect it is the latter, she suggests you have your child tested.
Changing Aggressive Behavior
Garber said it is natural for children to grow angry, whatever the cause. And it is unnatural for parents to suppress that anger.
“Many of us find anger threatening and dangerous,” he said. “We spend a great deal of energy correcting our children, saying what is not OK to do when you’re mad.
“It is even more important to teach our kids what is OK to do when you’re mad, such as hitting a pillow or screaming into an empty milk jug.”
Kawa said giving children choices is also effective. “If a child doesn’t want to share his toy cars, parents might say, ‘We need to share one car. You pick which car to share.’ ”
Common Ground: Five Rules to Remember
Parents, babysitters and even grandparents should be on the same page when it comes to disciplining children. Here are five tips from Allison Kawa, a child psychologist and autism specialist, that all of a child’s caretakers should practice with a child:
If you tell the child to do something, you are setting a limit. If the child does not comply, you need to enforce the limit.
Ask for something to be done and give two warnings. That’s asking a total of three times. If that does not work, enforce a punishment to show your words mean something.
Give preschoolers choices. It makes them feel empowered, and it appeals to a sense of newly attained control.
Use developmentally appropriate language. This helps, for instance, if you’re discussing ideas about what to do instead of hitting or kicking.
Praise children when they handle emotions well, express themselves verbally and apologize. Positive reinforcement lets children know they are doing something right.
Allow Her Anger
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Passive aggressive behavior is a way for your preschooler to express her anger. To help your child change, allow her to express her opinion and give her a level of control. Be calm as she voices her emotions and try to understand her position. Model appropriate behavior, and your child’s passive aggressive tendencies should disappear.
Reinforce What is Right
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Encourage your preschooler to demonstrate appropriate behavior by using reinforcement. Tell him to put away his toys. Then catch him in the act and praise him. If he does not put away his toys, do not reward him with attention. Set clear consequences for passive aggressive behavior and be consistent. Your child will begin to learn that his good behavior is rewarded with what he most desires–your attention.
Seek Professional Help
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If nothing seems to work, take your child to see a professional. Her behaviors could stem from a mental health condition like depression or anxiety. It can be difficult to find a counselor who works with preschoolers though, so search for a psychologist who specializes in play therapy.
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TRY TO ANTICIPATE A CHILDS BEHAVIOR
One of the first steps to disciplining a child that hits is to recognize what triggers the hitting and how the child initially reacts. For example, if the child hits because he/she is frustrated, observe how long it takes for him/her to react violently. Try to recognize if the child hits out of anger, fear, frustration, happiness…
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PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THEIR ACTIVITIES
Once you have a grasp on what kinds of things aggravate the hitting behavior, do your best to avoid situations that might trigger hitting. That may not be possible so when he/she is put into the situation watch him/her very closely. For example, if the child hits when he/she has to share your attention or a toy with another child, make sure you always have an eye on him/her during their interactions with others.
Try to intervene during times of frustration before they escalate and make sure to communicate to your child how he/she can appropriately communicate what he/she needs or wants.
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HOW TO REACT AND DISCIPLINE
If your child resorts to hitting it is very important not to reactively hit them back. If a child sees that hitting out of anger is an appropriate reaction from you, they will NEVER learn that hitting is not okay for them.
If your child does hit immediately pick them up and move them away from the other child. Inform them that hitting is not okay. It hurts their friends. Tell them that they must sit still with you for approximately 30 seconds for each year of their age. (i.e., 2 years old = 1 minute)
While they are sitting with you talk to them calmly about why they hit and what they can do instead.
“Did you hit Erin because she wouldn’t let you play with that toy? Next time that happens, instead of hitting, you need find another toy to play with or talk to me, okay?”
Younger children may not understand all of what you are saying but it’s important for you stay calm and for them to understand that you are disappointed in their behavior and that when they hit they don’t get to play with their friend for a few minutes.
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EXTREME CASES
If you whisk your child away during an intense confrontation and they only get more aggravated it may be necessary for you to use more extreme measures. If this is the case, hold the child firmly in your arms and talk to them in a calm voice. Repeat over and over that they need to calm down if they want to play again and try following step three once things simmer down.
Instructions
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Understanding Aggression
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Write a paragraph about the difference between aggressive and assertive behavior. Check your answer against the definitions in a dictionary. The differences between the answers you wrote and the dictionary represent what’s missing in your understanding of what aggression is.
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Ask five people you trust and admire if they will assist in mentoring you in a deeper understanding of what aggression is. These should be adults whose behavior reflects an understanding of aggression, who each handle confrontation by aggression in different, yet successful ways, that don’t include being aggressive as a response. Good mentors might include a coach, a teacher, a lawyer, a martial arts sports expert, a religious person, a counselor or others.
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Request that each mentor accompany you on a visit to a domestic violence shelter, a jail and a funeral home. Separate these visits across several weeks and plan to gather afterward in a casual private spot to discuss the experience of the visit and what was expressed. Bring your notebook and take notes for later questions.
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Describe aggressive behavior you have experienced or exhibited and ask each mentor to offer their opinion about the nature of the aggression being discussed. Most aggression emerges from confrontation or a fear of some type of loss. Discuss alternatives to the choices that generate the aggressive behavior and how to manage aggression displayed toward you successfully.
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Role play with your mentors, with one person being a bully and one person being a victim. By exchanging roles the relationship between the roles can be considered. Discuss how to think about aggression in new ways to improve your understanding of it. Discussion about a subject with a diverse group of people will provide the best insight into understanding the subject. By asking questions and exploring issues the subject can be viewed in many different ways.
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Visit a zoo with some or all of your mentors and sit in front of the primates exhibit and watch the behaviors of other primates. Discuss with your mentors what you see and with any zoo staff that may be in the area. Note when aggression is being displayed and think about how the display is similar to aggression in humans.
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Write a paragraph about the difference between aggressive and assertive behavior and share your two versions with your mentors. Compare the versions to see how your understanding has developed and deepened.
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Tips & Warnings
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Knowing that aggression is primarily based in the fear of losing something goes a long way to starting the process of a fully developed understanding of aggressive behavior. By meeting victims of aggression in real life or meeting people who have behaved aggressively and hurt others, the smaller world of the individual life is expanded to a deeper understanding of how patterns of violence impact the world.
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There is often a lot of resistance to understanding a behavior such as aggression if the person learning the knowledge often displays aggression. By taking the process in steps and by seeking advice from people who are not related to the person seeking the understanding, the opportunity to process and think over time encourages and assists in overcoming resistance.
Instructions
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Handling a Child’s Aggressive Behavior
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Use verbal prompts. With some children, potential aggression comes with noticeable signs: agitation, clenching of hands, tears, yelling or pushing into another individual’s personal space. A verbal prompt, provided early enough in an aggression cycle, might thwart the aggression. Use a statement acknowledging increased anger or frustration, followed with a suggestion to take deep breaths or sit quietly and count. Ask a question as to which of two solutions might help the child calm down.
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Remove the child to a separate area. If a verbal prompt does not work, put him in his bedroom, the den, the basement, the garage or in the yard. Let him vent his anger in a space away from the rest of the family. This protects the rest of the family from being hurt or attacked. Tell him he is welcome to join the family when he is calm and after he has cleaned up anything he may have thrown or broken.
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Walk away. If an aggressive child continues to escalate, in spite of verbal prompts or removal to another room, disengage and walk outside or to another room in the house. Aggression is fueled by the interaction of argument, continued engagement and an audience. Remove yourself from the scene of the aggression and the aggressive activity often stops. Stay away long enough for the child to calm herself.
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Provide a consequence after the aggressive incident. In the midst of a meltdown, a child is unable or unwilling to follow directions. After he is calm, later in the day, or even the next day, remind him that his behavior was unacceptable and that he has earned himself a consequence. Provide a consequence that rebuilds trust with the family or that reinforces the negative nature of his behavior. Trust-building consequences might be preparing dinner for the family or doing chores for family members. Negative reinforcement consequences could include a writing assignment about appropriate ways to show anger and frustration or doing extra chores around the house. The American Academy of Pediatrics reminds parents that giving a consequence helps children take responsibility for their actions.
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Involve professionals. If a child has had more than one or two incidents of aggression, or the aggression is not age-appropriate, parents should seek the advice of their pediatrician or a mental health provider. Causes of aggression are numerous and may involve biological, emotional or mental health issues. A professional will determine the cause or causes and create a treatment plan.
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Involve law enforcement. Unchecked aggression puts the violent child, the family, peers and the community at risk. Some communities have programs to assist youths at risk of aggressive and violent behavior. If a parent or other member of the family is under duress from an aggressive child, call 911 for immediate help.
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